Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere