The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness