prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster