I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.