Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
oh good, now I can stop drinking
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
so weird how every mom was born today
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up