[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list