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so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits