Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I really had high hopes for this year though
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids