I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.