If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My dress code is business-casualty.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.