Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.