The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”