There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Oops I deleted….
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”