I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?