I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations