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Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
PLEASE READ
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.