I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.