You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
bury ourselves
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂