lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*updates tinder bio*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️