lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.