People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Attacked by a mop.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.