Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man