Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’m sure it’s fine.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge