Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Nothing.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
These are too funny not to post 😂
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.