With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?