i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM