[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Saturday
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies