Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people