I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust