Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.