Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You Might Also Like
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Some people were born into their job.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off