My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You Might Also Like
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets