BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My blood type is b hungry.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.