“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?