bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
yeah 😭
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.