Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.