Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.