Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.