Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
i’m still crying at this
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.