Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok