Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.