I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Born to be mild.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Omg 🤣
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises