My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
classic mixup
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .