“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.