My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.