Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.