I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
You Might Also Like
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable