“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I’m putting together a team
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.