“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs