[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I love twitter
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.